Feeling Safe During The Holidays

Do you feel the need to control during the holidays?


One of the very first challenges when coaching a codependent client is finding their  trigger points that keep them stuck in the codependent crazies. One of the long term effects of living in a dysfunctional home (as children or adults), is that we don’t feel safe. There is so many needs not met, so much inconsistency, so much fear and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This causes us to not feel safe in relationships. Because of this, we can revert to control, manipulation, become obsessive about those we love, and give our power away while neglecting ourselves and our needs. These behaviors can really show up during the holidays due to so many “family buttons” and unresolved family of origin issues.

One of the necessary shifts that has to happen in healing is to change the belief systems we developed long ago in our subconscious minds. When being raised in a home where our needs were not met and we received alot of mixed messages, we create a warped belief system about ourselves and others. We then continue to re-create those belief systems over and over, until we receive the tools t0 change them and reprogram our minds with new belief systems.

I was the oldest of 4 children and had a very young, innocent  Mother. My mother was 16 when she had me and had all 4 of us by the age of 24.  My Father was a alcoholic and abusive to my Mother verbally, emotionally, and physically. I learned by the age of 5 to care take, protect, and rescue my Mother and siblings.  My Father gave us many mixed messages. He was loving and sweet and kind when sober, and mean, controlling, and abusive when drunk. When he was sober and loving, we were always waiting for the other shoe to drop, causing us to never feel safe.  When we don’t feel secure and safe, we revert to control. Controlling is a direct response to our fears, our insecurities, and a sense of helplessness and not trusting. We can look at our need to control by dealing with our fears. First, we need to go deep down inside (and out of our head of analyzing and rationalizing) to ask ourselves what we are afraid of? It  always goes back to our inner child. Those old time fears. Sometimes, we find ourselves going back to those old feelings. I call them the “codependent crazies!” We may feel afraid, ashamed, not good enough, not safe, victimized and helpless. Times of stress, change, and loss can trigger old behaviors. I still find that when things are changing in my life and I am not feeling safe, trying to create some order and control back in my life is what I will automatically want to go to. It is so familiar to me. Today, I recognize that and have tools to process through and to love and comfort my little girl inside that never felt safe.  I have the awareness now, when it use to be “normal” behavior for me to want to control everything and everyone to feel safe.

If you are feeling out of control during the holidays because of others behavior, you will want to use some healthy tools and reach out to someone safe to share your fears. You may also need to detach from others that are not healthy or abusive in some way. safe-with-label

A return to these old behaviors and triggers doesn’t mean we are back to square one. They do not mean we have not grown on our journey. They also do not mean we have to stay in them for long like we used to. We can make ourselves feel safe. We can look back at how God has always taken care of us and that all things have turned out for our highest good. We can nurture and take care of ourselves in a loving way that others didn’t when we were growing up. Sometimes reaching out to a safety support system or friend can help. I find prayer and reading back in my journals of how God always had my back affirms to me I am safe.  I am reminded that when we “let go and let God” and give him the steering wheel, things turn out.  Trust in yourself. Learn to meet your needs.We do not need to be in control to feel safe. It only causes more fear and anxiety. When we do let go of the reins, lots of new things are able to come into our world.

Today, I let go of all fear and doubt and life becomes easy for me. I am safe.

Healthy Blessings,

Debbie Sherrick  Codependency Life Coach


Leave A Response

* Denotes Required Field